Hmm...its been four months since I last updated in here. somehow i doubt any of you even will read this, or care. But its another sleepless night, and yet again I feel like my only outlet is words. It feels like i've been walking around in a daze, numb to the world, shutting down to try to salvage the pieces of my broken heart. I can't go back; I've tried. All that remains are shadows of what once was. Yet I can't move on. I don't want to have to feel this hurt again. I can't sleep, can't think. One of the only people I've really opened up to is the one I'm afraid of. I'm afraid because I don't want to dare to care again. Sometimes I just want to run away. I retreat somewhere into myself and become an empty shell, wearing my facade of normalcy as if it were reality. Maybe I've overreacted. Maybe I need to dare to dream. Its hard to fully take ahold of that idea though, when I realice that my other dreams have been shattered. My castles in the sand have crumbled, and I wonder what's left. Meanwhile, dozens look to me for answers. Responsibilities converge from every direction onto my tired shoulders, and I wonder at times how much more I can take before I topple under the load. Sometimes I feel like there's nothing left to give, like I cant feel any more. I think I need to go try to sleep. Thanks for letting me vent.

So life has continued to be pretty initeresting. I've struggled through all kinds of emotions. Discouragment. Fear. Disillusionment. Betrayal. Hurt. Anger. Shame. Doubt. I guess the list could go on, but i don't want to bore you all. Besides, the point of this post isn't to make you all depressed, or to make you feel bad for me. Because no matter how confused I get, I don't have to understand. I just have to hold the hand of the one who made me. God's ways aren't mine. And i need to realize that my will is subject to His, not the other way around. I am so glad that God has given me the support system I have. When i was feeling my absolute lowest, so many people told me they were praying for me. One night, I broke down on the phone, crying so hard I couldn't breathe. And Peter just stayed on the other end, listening, loving, and praying for me. The next day, he didn't say anything, but I found out later that he had been fasting and praying for me. So anyway, I'm really glad he's been there for me. Most of all though, I'm glad that God hasn't given up on me. The other night, I was praying and crying (again) and this veres jumped out at me. "For God is not unjust so as to forget your work and the love which you have shown toward His name" (hebrews 6:10) It was so fitting because I was reminded that even when I feel like a failure, God has never forgotten or forsaken me.